I often have moments of clarity or all around irrationality in my drunken stupors. These moments(the clear ones) are rare, but they do occur and if you know me well enough you know what I am talking about.

I decided to start keeping track of the things I’ve learned as well as done utterly wrong while being drunk, buying alcohol, ordering drinks and trying to function like a normal person while under the influence.

Alcohol makes me believe I can dance.
I cannot dance. I have a hard enough time coordinating my walking when I drink(most of you reading this have held me up.) yet somehow alcohol convinces me I have magic feet…no, no I don’t…dear god. I saw myself dance sober once and damn near laughed at myself.

People really don’t like it when you piss on their stuff.
cars, lawns, fences, sidewalks, dogs, plants, doors, garden gnomes, flowers, stairs, trash cans, chickens and driveways. Trust me I have pissed on all these things and have often had to run with my pants half down my legs because the owner came out screaming.

Asking girls for their numbers while drunk usually works.
in fact it’s never failed for me. My phone book is comprised of girls numbers I’ve collected while out drinking. If you are reading this ask yourself when I got your number. Thank you.

Bouncers can’t distinguish between the guy fighting and the guy trying to stop the guy who is fighting.
I don’t think I need to explain this.

Trying to maintain a “relationship” is impossible.
Allow me to explain. I once was seeing this girl who I didn’t really like, but it was convenient and she was a hopeless romantic. I didn’t dislike her, but she wasn’t the type of girl I’d seriously date(no she wasn’t fat or deformed.) anyway, eventually every time I saw her I was drunk, I had to be because I just didn’t like her as much as she liked me and the alcohol helped me tolerate her. In fact she never even knew I was drunk half the time or ever questioned why I always asked her to bring beer. This is a bad idea! never do this! I am warning you, no matter how tough life is – it’ll end horribly. People in this situation will have their revenge on you trust me. I’m not gonna elaborate on it any further because it’s embarrassing, but you can ask me and I may tell you. (David and Jimbo, you know what I am talking about so don’t ask.)

Ugly people seem appealing.
It’s true. If you find yourself in this situation stop drinking immediately and for gods sake don’t get her number. She will text, She may even call…and you will feel pretty dumb for feeling so desperate while intoxicated. This also applies vice versa.

An awkward morning is far better than a night alone.
With the exception of the last two points.

Bartenders do not like it when you order a drink they don’t know how to make and then proceed to tell them how to make it.
This has yet to work, ever. In fact one blatantly refused to serve me.

I hate everyone.
Well no not really, but I tend to dislike people in my way, people who talk about nothing, and people with shitty taste in anything. Many of you have witnessed this, many of you have been on the receiving end. I apologize. Some of you consider this my normal sober behavior..I apologize for that too.

Jumping fences seems easier, but ends poorly.
David and Yesenia, I know you know what I am talking about.

Alcohol sparks ingenuity: See pic below.

Spicy foods help.
When I turned 21 I got hammered..seriously hammered. I got home, passed out on my bed and the next morning my room smelled like someone had spilled a bottle of vodka on my carpet. My mom came in and asked if I wanted breakfast to which I(being hungry) happily agreed. She left me a plate of food on the dinning room table and left for the mall. I crawled from my room to the table, took one bite and had to throw it away. Why? I almost choked on how hot it was. She probably used every chili and spice in our kitchen and asked the neighbors for a bottle of hot sauce to top it off. I couldn’t get the burning to stop for 3 hours and that was from one bite! My hangover was either neutralized instantly or my body changed it’s problem priorities to the sudden scorching of all my taste buds. Needless to say my hangover was gone.

This is a given, but cellphones and alcohol do not mix…ever.
You may break it, lose it, drop it in water or if you’re Jimbo drop it in your drink. If you don’t do any of that you’ll surely end up with more emotions than you are prepared to deal with.

Alcohol and heat do not mix.
You will not be able to get properly drunk and you will be miserable within 2 hours from the heat.

This is all I can think of in the hour it took me to watch the season finale of House and hang out in my newly air conditioned room. I suggest you drop by this summer and hang out in my cool(literally) room. I’d also like to propose you share your own learnings or memories from our or your drunken nights. Goodnight.